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You recognize the place you’re going incorrect? After an extended day indiscriminately firing your Beretta 1301 within the desert, you’re house chugging again your InfoWars Final Bone Broth Plus, while you uncover you’re all out of SSI Sight-Ceremony chamber cartridge laser bore sights. So that you leap into your SUV to move to the closest Dick’s Sporting Items, proper? Solely, in that SUV? Is it bulletproof? Does it hearth pepper spray out the wing mirrors? Does it even include fuel masks? No I don’t suppose it does. Which is why you need to get your self a Rezvani Vengeance, designed by online game car artist, Milen Ivanov.
That the Rezvani Vengeance is actual, and never some upsetting moist dream Elon Musk had after binge-watching Batman motion pictures, is an indictment on all of humankind. This laughably foolish car, yours beginning at $285,000, is made to order, and due to weird TikTok influencer movies, a demonstrably extant creation.
Based mostly on the Cadillac Escalade, your commonplace mannequin comes with all of the options you’d anticipate in your bog-standard quarter-million greenback automotive. Stuff like heated seats, OLED digital dashboard, digital rearview mirror, and augmented actuality navigation. But it surely’s while you begin tweaking that this suburban tank actually begins to get particular.
Designing my very own on the Rezvani website, I after all began by switching to a camo pores and skin paint job for a mere $7,500 on prime. Certain, you possibly can choose up a complete second-hand automotive for the value of that paint, however do you need to be simply noticed by enemies when driving by the woods? I then tacked on some fairly apparent requirements, like a 12,000lb winch and a roof-mounted LED gentle bar.
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On the interior I bumped it up from seven to eight seats for another $1,500, in case my whole book club needed a ride. Then, because I deserve a treat, I added in Executive Seating. This sees two of the seats become reclining executive seats, with massage, heat and ventilation, along with an interior bar, big-screen TV, Apple TV, some iPads, and a lovely starry night headliner, mine for $125,000 on top of the base price. That done, I of course had the headrests embroidered for $1,500.
I’m not an engine expert, but I figured the 810 HP Supercharged 6.2L V8 would be much better at showing those climate conspiracists a thing or two, rather than the 420 HP version it defaults to. I also worried that without the Cat-Back Performance Exhaust System and performance brakes, I’d look like a real sissy, so I stuck those on too. That bumped the price up a little, popping just over $135,000 onto the ticket.
Of course, the reason I was buying this car in the first place was the Military Package, so I wasn’t going to be leaving that off! For another $125,000, that put on the vital bulletproof glass and body armor, underside explosion protection, electrified door handles, strobe lights, pepper spray dispensers, thermal night vision system and, of course, the optional explosive device detection and smoke screen button. Oh, and the seven bulletproof vests and helmets that I’m pretty sure are standard in most cars these days.
I was surprised to learn I had to pay extra for a Rifle Compartment, but for $4,500 I wasn’t too annoyed, and naturally opted for the $1,000 steel safe built into the center console—somewhere to keep those dog-tags I bought off eBay and my signed Billy Ray Cyrus cassettes. A couple of rear seat entertainment systems for the kiddies might seem overkill with the executive seat package, but if you ain’t overkilling, you ain’t American in my book.
However, I took enormous offense at the suggestion of “off-grid” solar panels. Sure, Biden might be about to steal my gas oven and shut down my backyard coal power station, but I’ll be damned before I’m using any of that Liberal sun-power. $2,500 saved, thank you.
All told, that comes to just $699,750, which is a small price to pay for peace of mind.
Er, um, wow. It’s quite the thing to put yourself into the mindset of someone taking this embarrassing nonsense seriously. Clearly playing to the ever-growing market of paranoid Americans from preppers to QAnons, it seems the crossover with people able to spend over a quarter-million bucks on a car can’t possibly be enormous.
Rezvani Motors, if you are lucky enough not to know, is the brainchild of Ferris Rezvani, the son of an Iranian fighter pilot, who needed to “develop a thrill much like flying an F-4 fighter jet,” however, um, on the bottom. The corporate has been catering to over-rich idiots since 2015, most famously with the since-discontinued Ferrari-like Beast. (Though it’s rebooting this year.)
Fairly what the hell the Vengeance’s daft boxy design has to do with video video games, until they had been aiming for a late-80s look, is unclear. Bulgarian idea artist Milen Ivanov has previously worked on cellular sport Ace Racer and Netflix’s Quick & Livid Spy Racers, however doesn’t have an unlimited pedigree within the trade. We’ve reached out to him to ask about his involvement within the Vengeance’s design, and his ideas on the military-grade remaining product, and will certainly replace ought to he get again to us. (Regardless of the Vengeance being out since final yr, Ivanov hasn’t been excited sufficient so as to add it to his résumé.)
Oh, and if the Vengeance doesn’t appear to be a strong sufficient car for getting your youngsters to highschool, don’t overlook you possibly can all the time seize your self the Rezvani Tank.
